Shall We Dance?
by Ikonopeiston
Summary: Another crackfic.  This time it is Paine who is in an awkward situation.  Thoroughly AU.


**Shall We Dance?**

Paine was sitting on the outside deck of the airship, appreciating the darkness and the solitude. She was trying to decide whether to forgive Nooj for shooting her back in the days of the Crimson Squad. Seeing him helpless in the maze beneath Bevelle, on his knees, unable to regain his feet, with Baralai's gun pointed at his head had moved her more than she had admitted, even to herself. She had wanted to run to his assistance, push away the threatening weapon and pull him up so that she could bury her head against his chest.

So now she was weighing the pros and cons of renewing the relationship with Nooj when she became aware of a presence near her on the metal deck. Oddly enough, the awareness came in the form of a chilling sensation on the left side of her body. She turned abruptly to face the form which appeared in the darkness only as as a darker shadow against the sky.

She drew the torch from her belt, pressed the button and set it on 'illume'. What the pale light showed made her catch her breath in startled surprise.

Not a foot away from her was a strange figure, all gathered up into a shape more insect-like than human. The thin legs, pulled up to the bat-shaped ears were clad in tight black cloth, as were the equally bony arms wrapped around them. The head was round with a few strands of colourless hair lifted by the breeze across the deck. Circular, blood-shot eyes with swirling pupils stared at her over the long-nailed hands which hid the mouth.

"Who the hell are you? And what the hell are you doing here?" Paine did not enjoy having her meditation interrupted, especially not by a giant mantis.

"I'm cuv ti makoo..."

"Oh for Ixion's sake, move your hands. I can't understand a word you're saying." She snapped impatiently.

After a moment's hesitation, the creature lowered its hands, revealing its mouth. Paine gasped again. The lips of the being could not entirely close because of the protruding canines which reached nearly to the chin. The fangs were very sharp and pointed as were the remainder of the teeth.

"What on Spira are you? Are you a left over Sin Spawn? Or some sort of new fiend?"

"I am called Nosferatu and I have come to offer you a rare gift."

"Oh, you're some sort of marketer. I should have known when I saw your pupils. You Al Bhed will try any ploy to sell your goods. But what's with the teeth? Are they fake or did you file them?"

The figure unbent its legs and prepared to rise. "I am Nosferatu and I have come to bring you immortality."

Paine tugged at the breeches. "Sit down and tell me what you're selling. I can use some amusement."

Nosferatu settled back down. "I'm not selling; I'm giving. Come to my arms, let me embrace you and I will give you immortality. You will be my empress. Together we will rule the night, bringing terror to the lesser beings we encounter. We will live forever in glory and abundance."

"OK, what's the catch?"

"Catch?"

"What do I have to do besides sleep with you? I'm good but not that good."

"Oh, you have to die and rise again, like me."

Paine scrambled to her feet. She raised her hands to the heavens and, gazing into the star-flecked sky, implored, "Will someone or something please tell me why every man I seem to attract has a thing about dying? Why can't I appeal to somebody who's interested in living?" She turned to the creature who had stood when she did and now loomed over her like a dark skeleton. "Sorry, I'm not interested. I've got enough to deal with as it is without taking on another style of existence. Thanks for the offer, but no."

The being look at her with what he seemed to consider a seductive gaze. "We will be immortal, don't you understand? I shall toast your beauty with crystal goblets of crimson blood and you will respond in kind."

"Ewww - I'd rather spill blood than drink it. The answer is no. I appreciate your devotion, but no. Forever no."

He grabbed her shoulder to pull her to him. "You can't refuse. I marked you special. You're the one I want."

"Let go, buster, or you'll be sorry."

"No! You have to become my empress; you have to!" He tugged at her.

"I warned you." Paine drew back her fist and hit the creature squarely in the face.

"Now look what you've done!" He cried out, stooping to pick up the broken end of his right fang. "Now, how'll I initiate new members of the tribe?"

Paine looked at the lop-sided mouth and was suddenly reminded of Nooj. "I'm sorry. I did warn you though." She leaned to look over the edge of the airship. "Tell you what ... I'll give you a lead. We're passing over Guadosalam right now. Let me tell you ..."

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

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